I'm flawed, let me tell you how.
So today I was driving into town with my husband, he had a shoulder injury at work over a year ago and was finally able to have the surgery he needed to relieve his pain.
I don't know if I have told you guys about this or not, I always mean to and then I second guess myself. You see people like me, assuming there are some, which I do, don't really like to be visibly flawed. What I mean by that is, I don't want to show you my flaws because it means that you might feel let down. You might not trust me or worse, you might think that I'm not worthy of your attention and acceptance.
I have never really liked that word... worthy. I always felt like using it meant that you had to do something out of the ordinary to qualify it. Like just being here as a human being wasn't quite enough.
So, when I was 36, I got these Tattoo's on my wrists to remind me that I am worthy. They sort of represent a declaration to myself and the universe that I was and am WORTHY and I could take in the gifts given to me. You probably noticed the Tattoo on my other wrist. It says blessed. I got that one at the same time because I wanted to remember that just as I was worthy to take in love, I also need to give it back. You know, keeping everything in balance. Anyway I have totally gone on a tangent, try not to act surprised ;)
While I normally like to talk to you about what the Moon is doing, or about Tarot or anything else mystical I thought that it might be helpful to show you a different side of your favorite Mystic.
So, I shall tell you a story. I love stories, they help us transcend our differences and find commonality. If you are in the mood for a little read, I'd like to share with you a piece of my story.
When I was 21 I started having anxiety. Not the oh crap I have to give a presentation in front of 50 people kind. Oh no... no. ... no - I was having high test anxiety. The kind that makes you feel like your bowels are going to betray you in public, faint like a southern belle or do the most logical thing, and just have an episode of total shut down. Having this happen to me was weird, up until that point in my life I hadn't experienced anything like it. I was that girl that was doing things and going places. I used to rock climb, belly dance, and all kinds of other things that took a bit of courage. Then one day that just ended and it ended hard.
All of a sudden I found myself in a shrinking circle. I was staying in and not wanting to go out. I was voiding friends. I couldn't work, I couldn't even go to the damn grocery store. It was bad. Really bad. Worst of all my fears of not being who everyone knew me to be... or expected me to be kept me from getting help. I felt like I had to hide my big ol' ugly flaw.
For two years I held it in, hid my pain. I tucked that visible flaw into my back pocket and took it with me everywhere I went. Needless to say there came a day when I couldn't keep my anxiety a secret anymore. Everyone around me noticed I wasn't myself. People were starting to ask questions. That simultaneously made things worse and better. Worse because it meant that my secret was poorly kept to say the least but better because it was the first step in doing something about it.
So, fast forward a bit and one day my Dad and I were driving to go see his therapist at the time. Amongst many things, this trip was one of my least favorite things to do. After all, my anxiety would tell me it was way safer staying home, insulated and free from danger. Even though I loved my Dad I feared my anxiety more. Taking these trips was exhausting and stressful.
The Truth is anxiety is a liar. It takes parts of the truth - or what we perceive as the truth and amplifies all the bad stuff. It takes a simple task and turns it into a monumental undertaking. If you don't suffer from anxiety, then it may seem silly or even like something you should just be able to snap out of. Well, ask anyone who has had anxiety... you wish you could, but for some reason you can't. The worst part is anxiety is not just a liar, it is also a thief. It steals joy from everything. It takes your birthday party and makes it an ordeal. It takes Christmas, Halloween, weddings, vacations, school, work and pretty much everything else away from you. It constantly whispers in your ear, reminding you that everything you are afraid of is about to happen and you have no control. It intrudes on everything that you want to love and experience like an unwanted guest. And you want to know the worst part? You feel guilty all the time. You feel like it's your fault. As though you aren't strong enough, or disciplined enough.
I got side tracked again didn't I?
So Dad and I were heading to this appointment his therapists office. On the way I could feel my anxiety growing. It was like the Oh Shit channel in my mind had been turned on and the jerk who turned it on walked away, leaving all the negative programming to play unchecked at the highest volume on loop. In other words, I couldn't hear anything outside of the liar called anxiety.
My Dad was a pretty observant old dude. Not to mention he was very experienced spotting symptoms of system overload. He could see it in me because he suffered from it himself in the form of P.T.S.D. from his military service in Vietnam. He could tell I was feeling dizzy and that I could no longer focus on anything. He knew that my body was overwhelming me with symptoms of eminent doom. He saw that I was drowning, that the undertow was pulling me in.
Once we got parked, he looked at me. I remember this moment clearly, it is one of those moments that leave an indelible mark on your soul and you carry it with you the rest of your days.
My old man looked at me and said, "Alysa, where are you? " and of course I was in no mood to give my coordinates, I was busy being all panicky. So I said to him I dunno! In a rather rhetorical tone I might add. Why did I need to state the obvious... obviously we were both sitting in the car with my panic attack.
Not satisfied with my answer, he said to me again - "Alysa, where are you?"
Now I was getting annoyed, which if you know panic and anxiety, you will know that sufferers will include irritation and short tempers into their emotional roller coaster. So I looked at him this time, still completely incapable of focusing and I said to him. I'm in the fucking car! To which he replied squarely, and very calmly - Alysa, where ARE YOU?
This time his calm and steady question stopped me. It broke my concentration just long enough. It was like one of those overcast days when the clouds obscure the light of the sun. But, as the day goes on, the wind shifts the clouds just right and lets a crack of sunshine peek though, providing clear light.
I looked at my Dad and I honestly didn't have an answer. I sat there struck dumb by a the simplest of questions. I couldn't answer something even a small child could. So I sat there, looking at him, confused and desperate. So he said to me in the gentlest tone I had ever heard him use. "Daughter, you are directly over the center of the Earth."
In that moment I felt the tight band around my chest loosen. I felt the static electricity crackling over my brain fizz out. I sensed a deep and enduring truth in that simple statement.
I'm sure even now as you read this you are connecting into something greater than yourself. When you consider the fact that you can be literally anywhere on this planet, in a plane above the planet or even in a cave or an ocean deep within the planet - you are ALWAYS connected to your home. Your source, your deep and abiding connection to every living thing shares this commonality. We are all connected by Earth, to Earth and through Earth. It is Gaia that tethers us, through our connection to her we are stabilized, grounded and recalibrated.
All humans, including you and me are tuned to the natural harmonic of the frequency of the Earth. This is called the Schumann Resonance and is 7.83 hz. All of are linked to this frequency and we all are grounded and healed by it.
So as I have gone forward in my life, trying to grow and learn, becoming a better and stronger expression of myself, I still have days that my anxiety gets to me.
sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to show up as the best version of myself.
To be honest, I wish I could hide that from you. Or better than that, I wish I didn't have the problem at all. I often think to myself that I could and should be more or better than what I am. Truth is, I am imperfect and visibly flawed. However, I have learned to take refuge in the idea that I am always at home, directly over the center of the earth. I gather strength from the fact that we are connected to each other through this bond of our mutual home. I am connected to you and you to me and it is through this connection that I am able to show up, hold space for others and forgive myself for my flaws. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.